tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11186151915940871482024-02-07T10:05:29.948-08:00The Technique of Suspended JudgementIn psychiatry, it is the technique of total permissiveness extended as an anesthetic for the mind, while various adhesion and moral effects of false judgments are systematically eliminated (McLuhan).
OR anticipating the effects of past and present actions and eliminating the false truths that circulate in my mind. A personal blog about my depression, anxiety, and chasing after my dream.
Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.comBlogger76125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-4961786110282354182016-04-25T23:10:00.000-07:002016-04-25T23:10:17.376-07:00The Stories We Write<br />
I am once again starting up that oh so wonderful journey of introspection. Only this time, instead of "get out of depression", it's dealing with how gross I feel about myself inside.<br />
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It turns out I don't like myself.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><h1 style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-stretch: normal; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 1.175; margin: -3px 0px 0px; text-align: center;">
<span class="by" style="background-color: white; font-size: xx-small; letter-spacing: 0.02em; line-height: 1.175;"><a href="http://quetions.deviantart.com/art/sometimes-i-m-waiting-172429962">Sometimes I'm Waiting</a> by</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: xx-small; letter-spacing: 0.02em; line-height: 1.175;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="background-color: white; font-size: xx-small; letter-spacing: 0.02em; line-height: 1.175; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://valioza.deviantart.com/" style="text-decoration: none !important;">Valioza</a></span></h1>
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Which is strange, because even writing this I don't believe it, but my thoughts and actions beg to differ. One clear indicator is my ceaseless need for love and validation from others. I'll drink from the glass you spat in if it means you'll stay.<br />
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I see a lot of faults. I'm longing to see it the other way; wishing to see me how others see me. To see the good qualities. So I keep asking myself: what is so wrong with me?<br />
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But that's not the right question - it's what am I doing?<br />
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It's funny, though, the stories we tell ourselves. The type of protagonist we label ourselves. I've written myself as an outcast. I feel lonely and isolated often, desperate for attention. I just want to fit in but I feel like I am too "other".<br />
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Interestingly enough, that's not how others see me. Apparently, I look very much like the in crowd. I look like a fashionably conservative female who seems to be at ease in social situations.<br />
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So, I'm curious. Why do I write myself as that type of protagonist? How did I come to view myself that way and what am I doing that fulfills this narrative I've created for myself?Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-47427191902290299782016-02-02T10:51:00.000-08:002016-04-05T10:52:32.083-07:00I had a dream<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Last night I had a dream where I was hosting a party... but a number of friends and family ignored me. They played the game where I didn't exist purposefully glaring at me and acting as if I wasn't there. It brought up a number of unpleasant feelings and thoughts. It hurt because it was exactly what happened when I was younger and as much as I try not to, those incidents still define me.<br /><br /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.00784314); line-height: 21px;">I’ve always tried my best to be an honest and open. I don’t know how to be any other way. Not being true to myself causes a significant amount of anxiety and stress that I can’t live with.</span><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.00784314); box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 21px; outline: none 0px;" /><br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.00784314); box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 21px; outline: none 0px;" /><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.00784314); line-height: 21px;">However, it’s gotten me into a lot of trouble. I have felt a lot of pushback. Have felt the shame for speaking out, speaking up. My path with authenticity is leaving me feeling isolated and ostracized. </span></span>Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-46258453851573830682015-11-19T09:17:00.002-08:002015-11-24T23:32:29.499-08:00You're Just Malingering.Every now and then I'm reminded of how much shame there is surrounding having a mental illness. How much people don't understand. How much people believe what we choose to do is really our choice.<br />
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"Just choose to be on that other side. It's more fun." Trust me I know. I strive daily to be "on that other side" but when I'm fighting my own shadow I can't make that promise. I can promise, however, to fight <i>but</i> it's not really a matter of fighting to be on that "fun side". It's fighting to stay alive. My fear of death is what keeps me going. </div>
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A hard thing to admit was that I was fighting for my life last semester. No it's not the end of the world if I didn't move on in my program... but for me it might as well have been. School was what was keeping me going. Yes the world moves on but I was scared I couldn't, scared because I didn't think I'd have the will. </div>
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It's a horrible feeling. Fighting so hard. Fighting my shadow that was overbearing and shrinking my perspective on reality. The only thing I could see was this dream I gave up so much to chase after and here I was on the verge of being kicked out because of something that felt totally out of my control. Something that some people felt I was just malingering about.</div>
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<h2 class="me" data-syllable="ma·lin·ger">
ma·lin·ger</h2>
<sup></sup> <span class="pronset"><span audio="http://static.sfdict.com/dictstatic/dictionary/audio/luna/M00/M0083600.mp3" default="http://dictionary.reference.com/audio.html/lunaWAV/M00/M0083600"></span> <span class="show_ipapr" style="display: inline;"><span class="prondelim">/</span><span class="pron">məˈlɪŋ<img alt="" border="0" class="luna-Img" src="http://static.sfdict.com/dictstatic/dictionary/graphics/luna/thinsp.png" />gər</span><span class="prondelim">/</span> <span class="pron_toggle" style="display: inline;"> </span></span><span class="show_spellpr" style="display: none;"><span class="prondelim">[</span><span class="pron">m<span class="ital-inline">uh</span>-<span class="boldface">ling</span>-ger</span><span class="prondelim">]</span> <a class="questionmark" href="http://dictionary.reference.com/help/luna/Spell_pron_key.html" target="_blank"></a> <span class="pron_toggle" style="display: inline;"><a alt="Toggle for IPA" class="pronlink" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" title="Click to show IPA">Show IPA</a> </span></span></span> <br />
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<span class="pg"><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">verb</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">(used</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">without</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">object)</span> </span></span> <br />
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<span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">to</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">pretend</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">illness,</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">especially</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">in</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">order</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">to</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">shirk</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">one's</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">duty,</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">avoid</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">work,</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">etc.</span> </span></div>
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<b><i><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">Origin:</span> </span></i></b> <br />
<span class="rom-inline"><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">1810–20;</span> </span></span><span id="hotword"> < </span><span class="rom-inline"><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">French</span> </span></span> <span class="ital-inline"><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">malingre</span> </span></span><span id="hotword"> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">sickly,</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">ailing,</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">equivalent</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">to</span> </span><span class="ital-inline"><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">mal-</span> </span></span> <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mal-" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">mal-</a><span id="hotword"> + </span><span class="rom-inline"><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">Old</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">French</span> </span></span> <span class="ital-inline"><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">heingre</span> </span></span><span id="hotword"> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">haggard</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">(perhaps</span> < <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">Gmc)</span> </span><br />
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<span class="hwc" name="hotword">******************</span><br />
<span class="hwc" name="hotword">A draft i never posted but am honoring now.</span></div>
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Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-19045243583914318412015-02-24T09:55:00.002-08:002015-02-25T07:33:07.713-08:00Calling oUT<br />
<h4>
I don't even know what way is up anymore.</h4>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #0077c7; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://thegryllus.deviantart.com/art/Intrusive-Thoughts-II-338151902" style="background-color: white; color: #0077c7; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">Intrusive Thoughts II</a> </span><span class="by" style="background-color: white; color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="background-color: white; color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://thegryllus.deviantart.com/" style="color: rgb(51, 114, 135) !important; text-decoration: none !important;">thegryllus</a></span></td></tr>
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These drugs make me feel "fine" but the moment I miss I'm drop kicked in the face with overwhelming depression<br />
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I am told to honour my feelings even if they are dangerous, suffocating and make it extremely difficult to function BUT with the same breath am told to keep it together because if not then I'm a risk to the ensemble, HOWEVER, my attempts to maintain composure is an insult to them.<br />
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That because I am trying SO HARD not to breakdown when I feel like an alien who everyone dislikes (whether its real or not) in order to keep working and not derail everything for everyone else - it's still seen as a risk.<br />
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OH and stop trying to please us... but you need to please us because we don't like what you did when you stopped. Stop caring so much about what we think but we think you're failing and you have to prove yourself to us if you want to graduate.<br />
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I just... WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME! </div>
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I am trying, trying so hard to sort through this. </div>
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It's <i>embarrassing</i>. I don't like talking about it because I feel like my thoughts are childish and I should just know how to deal with it. Not to listen to it like others so easily can.</div>
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I feel like all the panic attacks I've had this year and inner turmoil have been immature and high school. "So and so said this about me." "Me and what's her name got into a fight and now she won't talk to me so we can't sort it out like adults" "I feel like I'm not understood and I don't know how to articulate it" "Nobody likes me" "I have no friends" "All my friends have abandoned me at school" "they think I'm a horrible person" "They all think I'm no good" "I'm always left out" </div>
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I hate it. I listen to what I think is happening and what's bothering me and I judge it. It's so fucking high school. I hate it. So I try and ignore it, sort it out like an adult without a teacher and shit involved. NOW suddenly because I choose not to talk about it with my teachers I get in shit for it. </div>
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AND THEN! when I do I get comments thrown back to me like "i was uncomfortable how sensitive I had to be with you" "You bring too much of the outside world into the work" "I don't want to or need to know what's going on" "Because you're working through your anxiety you're not a good enough partner".</div>
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I just don't know. I just don't. What do you want from me? </div>
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I can only do so much. </div>
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So I'm not your star pupil like you dreamt I would be in first year. I'm not the trophy you wanted me to be, to parade around the industry going "look what students we train!". No instead I'm the student that you hide from the public eye because I'm a risk to the schools reputation. I have enough shame in my life already I don't need you imposing more on me thank you very much. I'm passing aren't I? I'm making the grade. I know what you think you see is settling but I'm <i>not</i> settling, I'm <i>MANAGING</i>. I can only DO so much. I'm only human and I'm young still. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #0077c7; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://thegryllus.deviantart.com/art/Edificial-298564712" style="background-color: white; color: #0077c7; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">Edificial</a> </span><span class="by" style="background-color: white; color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="background-color: white; color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://thegryllus.deviantart.com/" style="color: rgb(51, 114, 135) !important; text-decoration: none !important;">thegryllus</a></span></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
I've even said that I'm not satisfied with what I'm doing, that I can go further, that I can do better. That I can do it. I just need more help than the others... But of course there's only four months left and you've given up on me. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Now this sounds horrible but honestly I feel like it would be better if I was suicidal. If i just couldn't handle my mortality and have existential crisis and want to die people would take me more serious. That I would actually get some help and wouldn't feel so ashamed y it. </div>
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I debated cutting the other night just to get attention. I actually wanted to hurt myself just so that others could actually see how badly I am hurt. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm a mess, I'm a fucking mess. A mess that looks neat but there's a fucking avalanche waiting to spill out of the closet door once it finally opens. </div>
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But I guess if people can see scars or a hospital report saying I was under suicide watch people might actually see the injury. They might actually see the fucking illness that plagues me. </div>
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They just can't see the one where you want to just give up and passively disappear. </div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
"<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px; text-align: center;"><i>And I want it, I want my life so bad </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px; text-align: center;"><i>I</i></span><i style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">'m doing everything I can"</i></div>
<br />
and that's the thing. I don't want to. I don't want to disappear. It kills to want to live so much but find myself losing and if people who I thought were my friends have given up on me and can't see how much I'm drowning and need their help, need them....<br />
<br />
Everyone has their own issues to deal with I know...<br />
<br />
I try and find my strength through Tim and family and old friends from back home.... I constantly ask why isn't that enough.... why do people who I'm immediately around matter so much. Why can't I not care?<br />
<br />
Once again. Why can't I validate myself?<br />
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<br />Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-9929496406897515312015-01-31T18:28:00.002-08:002015-01-31T18:28:41.005-08:00You Don't Have to Fight So Hard Anymore<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<h3 style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
You Don't Have to Prove Yourself to Anyone</h3>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/105/4/2/when_the_rain_comes_in_silence_by_burcindrummer-d1tt0qt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/105/4/2/when_the_rain_comes_in_silence_by_burcindrummer-d1tt0qt.jpg" height="425" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://burcinesin.deviantart.com/art/When-the-rain-comes-in-silence-110529029" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">When the rain comes in silence</a> </span><span class="by" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://burcinesin.deviantart.com/" style="text-decoration: none !important;">burcinesin</a></span></td></tr>
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Those words.<br />
Those simple words were the nicest things I have heard in a long time.<br />
It's someone there saying "I see you" "You're okay" "You don't have to fight anymore"<br />
You don't have to fight to be seen. Fight to be heard. Fight to prove to the world that you are worthy of being here. That you are worthy of being.<br />
<br />
It's indescribable how much those words mean and how they affect me.<br />
<br />
I've spent all my life trying to prove myself to other people.<br />
<br />
Prove that I'm strong.<br />
Prove that I'm capable even though I'm a girl.<br />
Prove that I'm important, needed, wanted.<br />
Prove that I deserve to play on a sports team even though my mom's the coach.<br />
<div>
Prove that I can be like everyone else.</div>
<div>
Prove that I'm not stupid or dumb.</div>
<div>
Prove that I'm not too young and immature. </div>
<div>
Prove that I'm just as good as my brother.</div>
<div>
Prove that I can be the athlete my mother always wanted me to be. </div>
<div>
Prove that I will never give anyone a reason to look down on me. </div>
<div>
Prove that "I'll go somewhere in life", make a name for myself.</div>
<div>
Prove that I'm actually a really good friend.</div>
Prove that I am here, on this earth. That I exist.<br />
Prove that I am deserving.<br />
Prove that I am worthy.<br />
<br />
This has been my entire life. Fighting. Fighting to stay alive. Fighting to feel seen and noticed. Fighting not to let the abyss of my depression consume me. Fight against the anxiety I've developed over the years.<br />
<br />
Now I'm doing stuff to prove "them" wrong. To make them eat their words for calling me a risk and an embarrassment to the program. Prove to them that I'm more than a "voice issue". Prove to them that I am better then they even knew. <br />
<br />
I fight constantly. Constantly with myself. Now I have to fight for myself against them when I'm already battling it out with my faults?<br />
<br />
I won though... It was a small victory... but I got myself back into the show. But I fought so hard.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs41/i/2013/317/1/f/whentheraincomesinsilence_by_burcinesin-d1ujfau.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs41/i/2013/317/1/f/whentheraincomesinsilence_by_burcinesin-d1ujfau.jpg" height="640" width="424" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://burcinesin.deviantart.com/art/Whentheraincomesinsilence-111760950" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">Whentheraincomesinsilence</a> </span><span class="by" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://burcinesin.deviantart.com/" style="text-decoration: none !important;">burcinesin</a></span></td></tr>
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But my directors. My wonderful, wonderful, directors. Are so supportive. We had a feedback session where we talked about the training and he brought up some points. Some things that have been mentioned by others before but he was actually the first one to hit the nail on the head. He was actually the first one to say (more or less) here's what I see your issue is and this is why I think this is happening and I want you to know you don't have to fight so hard, you don't have to prove yourself to anyone. I see you. You can stop fighting. You don't have to fight anymore. You can just be. I believe in you and I believe that we can work on this thing together.<br />
<br />
I keep saying it to people. He told me i don't have to fight anymore. I don't know how to describe how validating and amazing and supportive and relieving to hear that is. How much it means.<br />
<br />
You don't have to fight anymore.<br />
You don't have to prove yourself to anyone.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-35351051473478441972015-01-27T10:00:00.002-08:002015-11-19T07:51:53.836-08:00It's still hard. I'm still madThere are so many things i'm mad about.<br />
It's so hard to be here.<br />
I want to go home.<br />
<br />
Yesterday everyone was talking about the lessons they learned about Theatre Ontario, how they felt so confident and prepared and how grateful they were to the school. I'm resentful because I didn't get to experience any of that. That I didn't get the chance. That I was denied that chance.<br />
<br />
I had to explain my situation to two other staff members today. They were on my side. they said I'm so sorry to hear that. I've been so strong and haven't cried. I did then and now I just want to crawl in a whole and disappear.<br />
<br />
I don't want to be here. I want to be in bed. I want a mental sick day.<br />
<br />
I don't know why I am here.<br />
<br />
How is this fair. I want to spit in their faces. I'm so hurt and betrayed by them. If I'm letting myself down then that's for me to decide. Not them letting their "expectation" of what they want me to be and their disappointment that I don't reach it be taken out on me.<br />
<br />
<br />
So this show is supposed to be an endurance run. You really need to learn how to breath, support your voice, while doing intense and physically demanding things. The training is on working with fear and learning how to master that feeling so performance nerves don't get you. Which is exactly my issue. And I'm not a part of that.<br />
<br />
It's all bullshit. <br />
<br />
I just want to go home.<br />
<br />Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-77914220087901574552015-01-27T08:57:00.000-08:002015-01-27T08:57:37.044-08:00Night TimeThat time where I can stop pretending I'm fine and that it's fine.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
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It's not.</div>
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And I'm resentful </div>
Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-16686660579197764362015-01-06T20:42:00.001-08:002015-01-06T20:42:44.236-08:00It's HardIt's really hard.<br />
It's really hard being in rehearsal.<br />
It's really hard to be sitting out on something you have been waiting and dreaming of for the last 3 years.<br />
<br />
I did so well yesterday. Today is when it really hit. Today was a day when everything I had to do was modified so much I'm not doing the work I'm paying to do. I'm not acting. I'm stage managing. I'm not working on refining my movement, or my voice, or my technique.<br />
<br />
It's devastating. I still don't see how this is supposed to help me.<br />
<br />
I've had a lot of dialogue with one of my teachers. While she's firm on the decision she's also open and caring and so far is the only one actually working with me. But she's actually teaching me in one class. My other teachers who I'm supposed to do tutorials with don't know what to do with me. My director also doesn't really know what to do with me. I thought I would still have a feeling of creative input on this project. I don't. I feel like a floater. I'm not stage manager/production side but definitely not a performer. Like, what the fuck am I doing? The physical theatre training isn't really all that much training. Great I get an hour and a half sort of working on things. then for the other 6 hours I'm there I'm doing script supervision. Whop-di-shit.<br />
<br />
This is only the first day so I pray that it gets better. But otherwise I'm just like - why the fuck am I here?<br />
<br />
I get it I made a mistake, one I clearly don't put as much emphasis on as they do. It's not fair. I'm so close to being out. I keep telling them what I need. I need a show. I need something to focus on and dig layers into. I needed a show.<br />
<br />
I'm trying to accept it. It's just so fucking hard. I had kept my composure for most of the day. Then one of my ensemble members told me how much they appreciated me still willing to participate and be there. I cracked.<br />
<br />
Build the mask. Put on the mask to show that you aren't hurt. That your dream you've been working towards and have spent 2 god damn years building ust dashed to pieces. I'm so heartbroken.<br />
<br />
This is going to be the hardest 7 weeks of my life so far. It sucks so bad. It's so hard right now. I know it's not the end of the world. It's just painful.<br />
<br />
Ok I need to watch something funny.Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-37791394001752469212014-12-15T20:12:00.000-08:002014-12-15T21:06:27.751-08:00Fact<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: left;">My Program is dealing out a consequence to fix an issue. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">This is my response:</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZVwdqHsBikn8xnNHDepu2GQd-JkKD9bKBE_HvtGXzC9WYjPFtFWufVXm5or6Gq6GhrRyfkck9ZJELuDHzai036-WpVo6aC-VneS03J8WXJpxwyDPdQnDToph9CYAaYg678I7sH__K658/s1600/ADTWO21.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZVwdqHsBikn8xnNHDepu2GQd-JkKD9bKBE_HvtGXzC9WYjPFtFWufVXm5or6Gq6GhrRyfkck9ZJELuDHzai036-WpVo6aC-VneS03J8WXJpxwyDPdQnDToph9CYAaYg678I7sH__K658/s1600/ADTWO21.png" height="320" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Here's the truth of the matter according to me. They've pegged me with something but "don't know how to help me", all they know is that the work isn't in my body and therefore determine I haven't done the work. Their solution is to just keep working on technique and therefore it will be with me in performance. I go, nope, I just need to keep working with performances and the energy that happens during it. I go, you're only seeing what you want to see and what another person is influencing you with. What I know I need is not to sit on the sidelines but to do performances. What I need to do are some improv classes where there is that pressure on the spot where I can harness and practice with my nerves. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Fact - I passed all my courses but missed too many warm ups. I didn't keep count - that's my fault. Trying to wake up while on an anti-depressant that makes you drowsy, having one of those light lamps to help wake you up, using those apps to wake you up when you're out of deep sleep, taking taxis until you're too broke to pay rent and calling on classmates to help get you there on time but despite all that effort i don't make it to enough warm ups is not my fault. What? Should I just stop taking my medication that manages my severe depression?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">I didn't think it was affecting the work so I didn't go to talk to them. Should I have? Well clearly but they weren't even willing to listen to that. They take my mental health seriously. I call bullshit. That's why all my meetings and check in kept getting cancelled and rescheduled to times where it never happened. That's why when I asked to have more one on ones last year to check in and make sure I'm on the same page and my brain isn't being delusional were denied. Yes I felt the real concern and accommodation for my mental health being taken into consideraion.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 13px;"> Fuck you. You're </span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">holding</span><span style="font-size: 13px;"> me down and I have bigger fish to </span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">fry</span><span style="font-size: 13px;"> than a voice issue that even speech pathologists can't hear. More open - what the fuck does that even mean. At least my singing teacher would actually say (more room in the mouth, more breath, more asshole in the sternum aka </span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">stabilizing</span><span style="font-size: 13px;"> etc) More open is vague and bullshit. Now i'm ranting. None the less it's all bulshit.</span></span></div>
Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-55081014027504321732014-11-30T11:36:00.000-08:002014-11-30T11:36:14.488-08:00You're Too Young To Be So Serious and DepressedYup, someone told me that.<br />
<br />
<i>"You're Too Young To Be So Serious and Depressed"</i><br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #0077c7; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://elguapo6.deviantart.com/art/Grumpy-Cat-341627380" style="background-color: white; color: #0077c7; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">Grumpy Cat</a> </span><span class="by" style="background-color: white; color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="background-color: white; color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://elguapo6.deviantart.com/" style="color: rgb(51, 114, 135) !important; text-decoration: none !important;">elguapo6</a></span></td></tr>
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<br />
Such ignorance.<br />
But not just someone who doesn't knows anything.<br />
Someone who knows there's something but doesn't want to know. Explicitly told me they didn't need or want to know what was happening. THEN go on to tell me to work on it without acknowledging or enquiring if I am working on things.<br />
<br />
Trust me if it was actually my choice I wouldn't have severe depression. I wouldn't be only able to function through medication. I wouldn't listen to the voices in my head. Fuck You.<br />
<br />
Just so infuriating.<br />
<br />
<br />
I'd love to know what have ignorant people said to you. I may make a theatre piece about this.<br />
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<br />Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-87868859777441885692014-11-28T10:20:00.000-08:002014-11-28T10:20:46.214-08:00Just Stop Being Nice To Me<h3 style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>A little rant and a little truth.</i></span></h3>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I</span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">'m confused about a lot of things but primarily it has to do with friendship. What are true friends? Do I have an unrealistic expectations of them? Who are my good or close friends? Do I have any outside of my relationship with Tim? I don't know. But I do know what can help and that is to stop being nice to me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #0077c7; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://lucid-dion.deviantart.com/art/Arisen-92973167" style="background-color: white; color: #0077c7; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">Arisen</a> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span class="by">by</span> </span></span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="color: #414d4c; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u premium username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://lucid-dion.deviantart.com/" style="background-color: white; color: rgb(51, 114, 135) !important; text-decoration: none !important;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">lucid-dion</span></a></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Either be my friend or don't. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Either listen to me without judgement or tell me to go away. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Either really be there for me or don't lead me on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Either stand by me with my faults and have patience with me or walk away now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Either way, just pick what you are and let me know what you choose because this flip flop of "things might be OK but not really cause it's really different" is worse. Give me a clean cut. Please don't make me believe that we may actually be close when really all it is is a false hope. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I already feel like I have a misunderstanding of friendship. So please be clear with me. Are we really at a point right now where you automatically side with another friend because you're their friend more than mine? How is that even fair? How can you even consider us friends? I have friends who do stuff I don't agree with all the time or old friends fighting but I don't pick sides. I just listen and then try and help mediate the situation if I am wanted to. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Or, you know, if your friend asks "am I a horrible person" you say no. Doesn't matter what. You can say their decision may not have been the best but that doesn't make them a horrible person. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">So stop being nice to me if all you are ever going to do is make assumptions and judge me without actually listening. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm just like my sign. Its hard to forget and even harder for me to completely forgive. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm so tired of being fed things about friendship in media. I'm tired of the friends forever, we're best friends bullshit that constantly gets pumped into your psyche. I've never experienced that despite how desperately I wanted too and it has caused way more pain than necessary. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I have such a hard time forgiving myself as it is too. I'm trying to stand up for myself. I've worked so hard to get where I am. This is 10 years in the making to get to a point where I can actually say what I need and what I want instead of appeasing everyone else and compromising my happiness for others. Why is it when I make that stand I have to have other people throw it back at my face as being too selfish? I've given so much and other people take so much more than I ever have. Why do they still get respect but I'm disgraced? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm tired of asking these questions, I'm tired of trying to fit in and I'm tired of trying to find that place where i'm confident in myself enough that it won't matter the time or place because I'm at home in me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-53320564463499164652014-11-24T15:38:00.000-08:002014-11-24T15:44:51.055-08:00Small<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEwRO8f6qNRhCWqI7xiqWBdPZ4Ib54MDtfmfnhgwr47ymcH5AzVSzTl6TuuCwM4ikFC60uozQU9y6Ptele8zqj3uDObl4kN-LH02u7C6uBTHoagzzQ19MXh0-dqU6QccjdSBgo6gEBzSs/s1600/Hiden_Secrets_by_MichaleDean.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEwRO8f6qNRhCWqI7xiqWBdPZ4Ib54MDtfmfnhgwr47ymcH5AzVSzTl6TuuCwM4ikFC60uozQU9y6Ptele8zqj3uDObl4kN-LH02u7C6uBTHoagzzQ19MXh0-dqU6QccjdSBgo6gEBzSs/s1600/Hiden_Secrets_by_MichaleDean.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Being vulnerable is really hard. Being open is hard.<br />
All I ever want to do is shrink and hide away.<br />
It's funny how people think I'm so young. I think it partly comes from me feeling so small.<br />
Not able to take the space I should.<br />
<br />
I often feel so young and small.<br />
<br />
<br />Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-41999115954750068212014-11-10T20:48:00.000-08:002014-11-11T06:11:49.213-08:00Quiet, My Vicious Delusional Inner Dialogue.I really hate not being able to trust myself.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsGLs-OkAOPI7U-_GsjAID2G_mo4m1oIeRtBRxlIiHDIadoZqHBWzIqnozjt2s-Kb-hT-dPSQFcCwbxas7CTUGrgzyRRa9IZZYJgotpjiZbUZF2NDXKyrbSRq7sSoZ9Ho4dmVCrqaIkhI/s1600/for_a_minute_there_i_lost_myself_by_marie_esther-d7anzc4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsGLs-OkAOPI7U-_GsjAID2G_mo4m1oIeRtBRxlIiHDIadoZqHBWzIqnozjt2s-Kb-hT-dPSQFcCwbxas7CTUGrgzyRRa9IZZYJgotpjiZbUZF2NDXKyrbSRq7sSoZ9Ho4dmVCrqaIkhI/s1600/for_a_minute_there_i_lost_myself_by_marie_esther-d7anzc4.jpg" height="400" width="336" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://marie-esther.deviantart.com/art/For-a-minute-there-I-lost-myself-441178276" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">For a minute there I lost myself</a> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span class="by">by</span> </span></span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: xx-small; text-decoration: none !important;"><a class="u beta username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://marie-esther.deviantart.com/" style="background-color: white; text-decoration: none !important;">Marie-Esther</a> </span></span></td></tr>
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I'm at that point in the year where I'm telling myself that people don't actually like me. Where I feel like an outsider and a loner. That I don't belong, don't fit in, am hyper aware of when I'm on my own when others are together and of course, over analyzing everything people do. <br />
<br />
It really makes life so unpleasant. Every day I wish I didn't care so much about what people thought. That I could do something and not care if I was being inconsiderate or not. Not care or feel guilty when I do something for myself, when I stand up for myself. Not feel like I have to kiss ass or make amends.<br />
<br />
I really hate taking the higher road, being the better person etc. I often wish I didn't have such strong morals. Life might be a little easier. You know... anxiety wise.<br />
<br />
I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of fighting to be here, tired of fighting to prove something, tired of fighting just to stay awake. I'm just so tired. I need a week of sleeping.<br />
<br />
Three more weeks right? I just need to survive through that and then I'll be ok. I know. this is exactly what I told myself to get through September when I had a show. I made it through that. I can stumble my way through this.<br />
<br />
Just... please mind. Be nicer to me. Stop telling me that people hate me, that i'm not wanted, that I don't belong here. I have so much on my plate without you lying. Please... just be quiet and let me do my work.<br />
<br />
<br />
It's funny looking back where I was exactly a year ago from today. I asked <a href="http://thetechniqueof.blogspot.ca/2013/11/where-is-my-mind.html">Where Is My Mind?</a> I reflected on my self fulfilling prophecy. I'm still a good distance from where <strike>that person was </strike> I was. It's important to acknowledge that that was me. I can just see how lost and desperate I was becoming at that time. Similarities that run deep are the misleading thoughts.<br />
<br />
Will this always be a November thing? I hope not. Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-6313007894711880402014-10-24T09:26:00.000-07:002014-10-24T09:26:41.883-07:00VomitVomit, that's what I want to do right now... I forgot my pills at home today and I'm freaking out inside. I literally feel like I'm going to burst right out of my skin. It's crawling really.<br />
<br />
I have no idea what's spurring this anxiety... I just get the feeling of inevitable doom. I did something wrong, the worlds going to end.<br />
<br />
The attacks in Ottawa are probably taking a toll. This war... I feel as if we're on the brink of a major war and I believe it will become more lethal than anything before. It's just pure hate. A religious war. I don't understand religions that justify killing and bloodshed.<br />
<br />
Either way. I feel it even more that I will live through a massive conflict. The world has been the most peaceful it's ever been in history... I mean WWI & WWII happened so close together.<br />
<br />
Was this what it felt like before the wars broke out? I'm scared. I'm worried. And I'm realizing words and actions have such a bigger impact then I ever considered before.<br />
<br />
People here talk about how they hope this conflict ends peacefully but I think no one is ready for it to be peaceful. Ready to hear and understand the other side.<br />
<br />
So you get lost in trivial things because it's easier and you'll only crumble if you focus too much on this...<br />
<br />
So I worry about what my marks mean despite them being great and I'm back on track to where I was the year before.<br />
<br />
I feel isolated in my stringent avoidance of things that can either trigger me, or deal with these emotions. I just want to be over them. Or be better at dealing with it and not be the type of person to crawl into a whole and wait to die. I hate that when it comes to things like this I give up... or just avoid the world until i can face it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Vc8DzQ_PuxxBSp2iWNJL7mrBazRDuFT8cOeUhTDn8si9VmuV3tqc_Cwryh-XQ2IhRcME2PbuFzYCvvFMBzIBAYCtMpz3CU4iTx-zxDFudZwakHG9RNkH0khbrAkJV2Ix_DjHoUzXZ4o/s1600/breaking_the_surface_by_alexiuss-d5ll2cr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Vc8DzQ_PuxxBSp2iWNJL7mrBazRDuFT8cOeUhTDn8si9VmuV3tqc_Cwryh-XQ2IhRcME2PbuFzYCvvFMBzIBAYCtMpz3CU4iTx-zxDFudZwakHG9RNkH0khbrAkJV2Ix_DjHoUzXZ4o/s1600/breaking_the_surface_by_alexiuss-d5ll2cr.jpg" height="400" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.066667556762695px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://alexiuss.deviantart.com/art/Breaking-the-surface-338585643" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.066667556762695px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">Breaking the surface</a> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span class="by">by</span> </span></span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: xx-small; text-decoration: none !important;"><a class="u senior username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://alexiuss.deviantart.com/" style="background-color: white; text-decoration: none !important;">alexiuss</a></span></span></td></tr>
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<br />Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-37503569199809448312014-10-04T11:11:00.002-07:002015-11-19T09:09:29.356-08:00ReflectionsIt's funny how "getting to know you" games can be so detrimental. It definitely gives you a perspective again.<br />
<br />
It's puts things into a harsh reality and I am reminded once again that things I consider are not the reality. It blows. I'm sorry I'm being vague... I find being perfectly honest at the moment could be more damaging than helpful.<br />
<br />
My "good friends" aren't my good friends.<br />
<br />
I want to disappear and see if they'll notice. Whether or not it would actually matter. This is why I never open up completely. I see this and I never want to be in a position where I depend on someone else so wholeheartedly. This is why i'm like one foot out the door at all times. Because everyone will hurt me<br />
<br />
<br />
***************<br />
A draft I never published. I'm honoring how I was then.Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-3562118390231592362014-09-25T22:41:00.001-07:002014-09-29T19:33:52.471-07:00Tip Toe Through the TullipsI'm venting and rambling in this... but if you know how to deal with trigger that comes out of nowhere please let me know.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVNSjF5ABrO_UBJdb6twMTDNTPn99Tx9qe_cMkwNupzbDTtZWJ9pAfaoMvkQ2vH8dw61iyyfIhXZR7SLw9IXROysiZEdCpTg4_LaK8nCxnK9P_Bs0nT2DK9qmCAb53B0yYXU254SzMbTU/s1600/the_unforeseen_trap_by_astridle-d5fvf1v.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVNSjF5ABrO_UBJdb6twMTDNTPn99Tx9qe_cMkwNupzbDTtZWJ9pAfaoMvkQ2vH8dw61iyyfIhXZR7SLw9IXROysiZEdCpTg4_LaK8nCxnK9P_Bs0nT2DK9qmCAb53B0yYXU254SzMbTU/s1600/the_unforeseen_trap_by_astridle-d5fvf1v.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://astridle.deviantart.com/art/The-unforeseen-trap-328990963" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">The unforeseen trap</a> <span class="by" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u senior username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://astridle.deviantart.com/" style="text-decoration: none !important;">astridle</a></span></span></span></td></tr>
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<br />
I like surprises to an extent. You know those nice fun ones people do for birthday parties etc. yeah. Those are good ones. Winning the lottery, flowers, presents, visits, etc. All of these things I like.<br />
<br />
Not so good surprises? Triggers.<br />
<br />
I'm so <i>frustrated </i>with all of this.<br />
<br />
I was having a good day.<br />
Things were going well.<br />
I was relaxed.<br />
I was fine.<br />
I've been doing so good for the last three months.<br />
Then suddenly out of nowhere I'm triggered by a look and some wild emotional energy sent my way and I'm spiraling into a panic attack.<br />
<br />
I'm normally good. With theatre school, things get crazy and emotional, and we find our self in weird head spaces. I find I become to susceptible to other people's emotions and can be panicked or triggered by the halls and the energy that bounces off the walls there. I can tell when the hallways in my school will be upsetting for me. I've figured it out. I'm normally already on the edge, feeling shaky and unstable. Not when I'm feeling grounded. Not when I'm feeling calm. Not when I'm feeling at peace with myself. The halls haven't rattled me when I legitimately felt OK.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrGD_pR0Hy4kU8WxD_ygATDHliBgeHmYuVIaJ913CcKqca8ftLYUqmdfGGd0GJRfULPqhAwhj-mv6pNodeRWKD0sHzPEyzTEI6hUgEqrtmAdVRviLQgilW6ZgXrtFxY9cBXEAtpkjbMx4/s1600/paranoia_by_astridle-d6i9xra.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrGD_pR0Hy4kU8WxD_ygATDHliBgeHmYuVIaJ913CcKqca8ftLYUqmdfGGd0GJRfULPqhAwhj-mv6pNodeRWKD0sHzPEyzTEI6hUgEqrtmAdVRviLQgilW6ZgXrtFxY9cBXEAtpkjbMx4/s1600/paranoia_by_astridle-d6i9xra.jpg" height="313" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: xx-small;"> <a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://astridle.deviantart.com/art/Paranoia-393493798" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">Paranoia</a> <span class="by" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u senior username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://astridle.deviantart.com/" style="text-decoration: none !important;">astridle</a></span></span></td></tr>
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Anyway, so my panic was triggered by this solar flare of wild emotions sent my way<i> (and it wasn't intentional.. just got loose and flared up like the sun). </i>Then come racing in the thoughts. The thoughts I've been fighting really hard to keep out. The thoughts that make me want to just hide and never come out again. To stop trying, to stop being here. The ones that make me believe everyone hates me, that I'm just a burden, that I'm a horrible person. That me standing up for myself and asking people to be understanding and considerate is wrong and horrible - what I did was wrong, that I'm wrong, that I'm a bad person. That I need to be more aware of these triggers.<br />
<br />
Now I feel like nothing is safe. Feeling anxious wont do. And now feeling secure and fine wont do either. It's not safe for me to go to my locker because of how others are feeling. No where in the school is safe for me and it's my fault because I'm so damn sensitive.<br />
<br />
Why do I have to be so sensitive to these things? Why is it that in real life I can't put up a shield to protect myself from letting others affect me, yet in class, when I <i>want</i> other's to affect me all the walls go up.<br />
<br />
Why do they always run away. That's what killed me. Seeing me and then having to run away from me. People have always ran away from me growing up. Why did you have to too? What did I do? What's so wrong with me.<br />
<br />
I get it, it's not about me. It's not all about me. Don't be so self-centered. But it sure fucking feels like it something to do with me. When you can be normal and joking with others when you're in that state.... but with me... you have to run away. You can't even look at me? What is wrong with me?<br />
<br />
Anyway. So triggered... now paranoia is setting in: <i>why do you run away from me?; Other people don't like me now, they're taking sides and no one is on my side; they all think i'm a horrible person; they all hate me now; I just piss everyone off; i'm annoying; i'm self centered; i'm selfish; i'm stupid; i'm a horrible person; i should just disappear.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I forgot to bring my Ativan to school so that when this happens... I have something to calm me down...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9TCYxwPFm1Tf7m0ULAchHIYFHVaAa8UZT2vTHzTwdx8sw_o1NngUla9ZbjtRAgDk6_luEh4YZBLOqAaKd6o3Q6RwIWkzL4xF6ulwDlOcnv0EumbwoqV_7HuLZ8kECQHbXATFQi0gX2nQ/s1600/claustrophobia_by_astridle-d6pfpxu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9TCYxwPFm1Tf7m0ULAchHIYFHVaAa8UZT2vTHzTwdx8sw_o1NngUla9ZbjtRAgDk6_luEh4YZBLOqAaKd6o3Q6RwIWkzL4xF6ulwDlOcnv0EumbwoqV_7HuLZ8kECQHbXATFQi0gX2nQ/s1600/claustrophobia_by_astridle-d6pfpxu.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":0}" href="http://astridle.deviantart.com/art/Claustrophobia-405520914" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25.0666675567627px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">Claustrophobia</a> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span class="by">by</span> </span></span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u senior username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":0}" href="http://astridle.deviantart.com/" style="background-color: white; text-decoration: none !important;"><span style="color: black; font-size: xx-small;">astridle</span></a></span></td></tr>
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And I was doing so well.</div>
<br />Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-58824614472626815702014-08-24T22:40:00.001-07:002014-08-24T22:40:23.109-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
I want to share this <a href="http://www.clydefitchreport.com/2012/12/sexual-harassment-and-theater/" target="_blank">article</a> with people. Mainly because it brings up this one major point that myself and a group of friends are dealing with. Sexual harassment in theatre and this real thing where people try to justify the person's actions.<br />
<br />
"<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">She sighed and told me he was a friend. It had to be a misunderstanding."</span><br />
<br />
In the last three months I have heard this way too much. "<i>He doesn't know what he's doing... He's oblivious"</i>. Well one I don't believe that and two that doesn't change his actions. He still did it and I'm tired of hearing excuses and justifications on his actions instead of consequences and acknowledgment of the repercussions. As the article says..<br />
<br />
"<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I didn’t care if he was gay, straight, or bisexual. He hurt my arm – intentionally. It wasn’t about sex. He did it because he could.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">"</span><br />
<br />
Honestly it feels like all this person has received is a slap on the wrist. And this is the shitty thing. In general I like this person. He can be a very nice, charming person. I believe he has issues that he needs to work through but overall 'a good guy' and if it wasn't for that creepy, leering, chauvinistic, misogyny that boils over often, I would still be his friend. But it's there and a lot of people choose to ignore it and say things like "<i>Oh that's just (so and so)" </i> That's not OK! So the pattern the article points out is exactly what happens.<i> </i><br />
<br />
"<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">In the theater community, it’s a pattern. People notice a problem and talk about it. Others refuse to believe it because they don’t engage in that behavior. They don’t know anyone who does. So the finger gets pointed back to the people who started the conversation. It’s YOUR problem and YOUR responsibility to deal with it."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span>
This part feels unfortunately true because of the way some of the faculty at our school are dealing with this. It's disheartening. Really and truly. Because really...<br />
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
"... maybe theater has a problem. And maybe it’s time for theater to do something about it."</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: small; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">If there are talks. I want to hear them. I want to find them and any guidance is welcomed.</span></div>
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Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-10951015278630129192014-08-12T19:56:00.000-07:002014-08-12T19:56:24.685-07:00Robin Williams.Warning. May be triggering. Explicit talk about suicide.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Dear Robin Williams,<br />
<br />
I'm sorry you lost your battle with depression. From the very little I know it sounds like something you've been struggling with for a long time and it had a tight grip on you. The saddest tweet for sure was "Genie, you're free". That is exactly what I believe you are now. Free from whatever tormented your mind. I can't even begin to guess, it's hard to go back to that place when you've managed to get away from it. It's hard for me to be down there and empathize with you. It's a scary place to be. Or not. Probably not in your point of view. Not when you're that far deep. Not when nothing really matters anymore. Not when life seems pointless and to end it would be so easy.<br />
<br />
Correction. Not easy. Suicide is not easy and not an easy way out. It's just the only option you can see. But I do remember thinking when I was really bad how easy it would be just to end it. Like nothing mattered. Life didn't matter and how easy and in my control taking my life would be. Anyways.<br /><br />I'm curious about your choice of suicide. Asphyxiation. Why a partial hanging? Why not a less painful way? Or did you think you deserved that pain? Did you change your mind within those last five or more seconds of consciousness? I hope you didn't. That would be more depressing... changing your mind but it's too late. I hope this is what you wanted and I hope you feel lighter where ever you are. I hope that the physical pain felt like relief before the end.<br /><br />It's amazing how profound your death has affected everyone I know. More than most celebrity deaths yours was impactful. You were like a film father to so many. Your voice a comfort to millions of people. <br /><br />I'm not surprised the funny man is depressed. There was always that kind of deep sadness behind your eyes. Maybe I can see them more easily than other people because I know what it looks like. Wish I had known you. I'm good at catching friends when they're going over. Haha I would have been mad at you if we were friends and I had this feeling something was wrong. I did it once to a friend. Called her 6 times in a row and yelled at her voicemail about not answering and that she was going to jump off a bridge. She eventually called me back. But I was right. She had been walking to the bridge to jump off. It was a hard night. Emotionally exhausting... but I would have stayed with you.<br /><br />Suicide is something that has been a part of my life for a long time. In my young 23 years of life I have had a 10 close relations who have attempted or needed intervention because of serious thoughts about killing themselves. I'm sure there's more people that I know that have seriously contemplated it but am unaware of it. That's half of my conscious life. That's a hard number to <strike>swallow</strike> handle.<br /><br />
Your death is deeply saddening because it raises a sense of hopelessness in everyone. There may be a spike in suicide attempts because they saw you see the hopelessness of it all and wish to join you. Close friends and family will feel helpless and wonder what they could have done to save you from yourself. I myself wonder "If only.." and circle around the thousands of different ways I could have prevented it. Even though it's completely unreasonable and improbable that I could have done anything.<br /><br />I'm also sad I never got the chance to meet you. I have a list of celebrities I wish to meet and work with someday. It's a goal in life. You were one of those people. <br /><br />May your soul rest in peace and freedom.<br />
You are greatly cherished and missed.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
A fan with depression & anxiety disorders<br />
Jenn Ferris<br />
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<br /><br />Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-61207948308137718392014-08-02T10:00:00.000-07:002014-08-02T12:02:28.599-07:00WavesEvery now and then I get these overwhelming waves of sadness. It creeps up and I don't where it comes from or who it even belongs to. Half the time now I'm convinced that it's not mine.... or maybe it is... I'm just in denial.<br />
<br />
Here's the thing though... I get deeply affected by other people's emotions. I take them on. Even though its not my world crumbling I still feel like it is. I'm in that place, with all the nausea and anxiety you experience when things are out of control. It could even be a book. A character's emotions will hang with over me.<br />
<br />
So moments like right now. I'm being crashed by this wave and it could be from a number of things... but all I can think of is that I shouldn't be feeling this way. My medication helps to prevent these... but that's not accurate at all. It's to help it not be a regular, everyday thing... This is also what I wanted. The other drugs made me feel like there was a cap and now I can feel the full range of emotions.<br />
<br />
I just don't like them when there's no rhyme or reason.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji9lLX-RqOfXBKicNJgDnK9c-veNWQjjyirKkpJTzgSmHEWtg0UEKCGwwM-kafNDc9cSBEKT4OayG7VIqHBeM0EskXbzb-dFt-JCHQ1-gPqRsNjAyS9IeZes88ut2dFXhTfZcyxyToQU8/s1600/when_doves_cry_by_sssssergiu-d5zkwvo-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji9lLX-RqOfXBKicNJgDnK9c-veNWQjjyirKkpJTzgSmHEWtg0UEKCGwwM-kafNDc9cSBEKT4OayG7VIqHBeM0EskXbzb-dFt-JCHQ1-gPqRsNjAyS9IeZes88ut2dFXhTfZcyxyToQU8/s1600/when_doves_cry_by_sssssergiu-d5zkwvo-2.jpg" height="418" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":false}" href="http://sssssergiu.deviantart.com/art/when-doves-cry-362093172" style="color: rgb(18, 21, 22) !important; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">when doves cry</a> <span class="by" style="color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":false}" href="http://sssssergiu.deviantart.com/" style="color: rgb(51, 114, 135) !important; text-decoration: none !important;">Sergiu Cioban</a></span></span></span></td></tr>
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<br />Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-53619895056788980342014-08-01T19:42:00.000-07:002015-11-19T09:05:44.091-08:00I have been the most OK I have in over a year. I feel like how I use to. I feel good. Not all the time happy but the emptiness is as all consuming.<br />
<br />
That said I'm still getting these random timings where I feel overwhelmed by sadness. It creeps up and I don't where it came from or who it belongs to. That's the thing, i'm so affected by other people's emotions. A friend is going through a rough time and when we talk I feel like I'm right in there with her as her world feels like it's collapsing. Or even reading a book.<br />
<br />
Either way. Blogging and finding art to fit my mood and the subject is rather relaxing.<br />
<br />
Run away far away jump<br />
<br />
<br />
*******<br />
A draft I never posted but i think it's important for me to acknowledge how i felt then, the good and the badJferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-23063004973744669272014-08-01T19:27:00.000-07:002014-08-02T12:00:45.070-07:00I Play a Dangerous game.<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I wrote this a while ago but never published it. I think it's still important. It's what I was going through... its how I understand my mind... I don't recommend it or take them too serious. Sometimes it gives me perspectives. Other times it gives me something to logically think through.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">---</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let's play a game. It's called googling possible disorders and taking online tests!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First Up! Avoidant Personality disorder. </span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PsychCentral describes it as the following: </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: rgb(25, 107, 167) !important; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start; zoom: 1;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":false}" href="http://multigrade.deviantart.com/art/Wonder-and-Terror-470368075" style="color: rgb(25, 107, 167) !important; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start; zoom: 1;">Wonder and Terror</a> </span><span class="by" style="color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":false}" href="http://multigrade.deviantart.com/" style="color: rgb(51, 114, 135) !important; text-decoration: none !important;">Daniele Serra</a></span></span></td></tr>
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">People with avoidant personality disorder experience long-standing feelings of inadequacy and are extremely sensitive to what others think about them. These feelings of inadequacy leads to the person to be socially inhibited and feel socially inept. Because of these feelings of inadequacy and inhibition, the person with avoidant personality disorder will seek to avoid work, school and any activities that involve socializing or interacting with others.</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Individuals with Avoidant Personality Disorder often vigilantly appraise the movements and expressions of those with whom they come into contact. Their fearful and tense demeanor may elicit ridicule from others, which in turn confirms their self-doubts. They are very anxious about the possibility that they will react to criticism with blushing or crying. They are described by others as being “shy,” “timid,” “lonely,” and “isolated.”"</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now I would not say my friends describe me as shy, timid, lonely, or isolated. At least not now that they know me. But I watch people's actions like a hawk to interpret how they're receiving me.... I'm nervous about reacting to criticism with blushing or crying. Hell I cried all the time when I got in trouble.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Symptoms of this disorder?</span></div>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection</span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">that's not me.</span></div>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked</span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">not entirely true</span></div>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed</span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">who doesn't?</span></div>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations</span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would argue yes...</span></div>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy</span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would argue yes...</span></div>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Views themself as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others</span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I claimed to be "socially awkward" or have "social anxiety"</span></div>
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing</span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The biggest issue I'm facing with my acting career.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Next up! Histrionic </b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PsychCentral describes it as follows:</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: rgb(18, 21, 22) !important; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":false}" href="http://multigrade.deviantart.com/art/Cell-431752151" style="background-color: white; color: rgb(18, 21, 22) !important; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">Cell</a> </span><span class="by" style="background-color: white; color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="background-color: white; color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":false}" href="http://multigrade.deviantart.com/" style="color: rgb(51, 114, 135) !important; text-decoration: none !important;">Daniele Serra </a></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"C</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>haracterized by a long-standing pattern of attention seeking behavior and extreme emotionality. Someone with histrionic personality disorder wants to be the center of attention in any group of people, and feel uncomfortable when they are not. While often lively, interesting and sometimes dramatic, they have difficulty when people aren’t focused exclusively on them. People with this disorder may be perceived as being shallow, and may engage in sexually seductive or provocative behavior to draw attention to themselves."</i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now for anyone that doesn't know me, I do not fall under this "sexually seductive/provocative behaviour". I don't consider myself an overly sexual being nor do enjoy focused attention of the opposite sex. That being said there are still some "symptoms" that I find do resonate.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">These symptoms?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:</span></div>
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention</span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't think this is true. I can be vain at times but it's not all about me.</span><br />
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">Interaction with others is often characterized by </span><span style="color: #222222;">inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative </span><span style="color: #222222;">behaviour</span></span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nope</span></div>
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions</span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My emotions are anything BUT shallow</span><br />
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<li style="margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">Consistently </span><span style="color: #222222;">uses physical appearance to draw </span><span style="color: #222222;">attention to themselves</span></span></li>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ah... i dunno... I like looking good...when I dress I dress to impress and have all eyes on me... so maybe? But on special occasions who doesn't want to dress nice and feel good in what they wear?</span><br />
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Don't even know about this one...</span></span><br />
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I don't think I </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">exaggerate... or be dramatic.... but I'd also be the worst judge.</span></span><br />
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is highly suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Don't even get me started on how bad I can be. When I was younger this is how they bullied me. </span></span><br />
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<li style="color: #222222; margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are</span></li>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm finding this is more true. My definition of friendship has been... very liberal in the past. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222;">So there you go. Two disorders </span></span><span style="color: #222222;">centred around attention seeking behaviours. Obviously I can't diagnose myself but these are the dangerous games I play.</span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><h3>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":false}" href="http://multigrade.deviantart.com/art/Breath-428353152" style="color: rgb(18, 21, 22) !important; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;">Breath</a> <span class="by" style="color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;">by</span><span style="color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start;"> </span><span class="username-with-symbol u" style="color: #2c3635; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.02em; text-align: start; white-space: nowrap;"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":false}" href="http://multigrade.deviantart.com/" style="color: rgb(51, 114, 135) !important; text-decoration: none !important;">Daniele Serra </a></span></span></span></h3>
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Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-88252131827792316942014-04-29T19:00:00.000-07:002014-05-30T19:02:55.580-07:00It's been a long time since I wrote. I can use the excuse that I'm busy but I just didn't want to think about things.<br />
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There are questions about myself I'm not sure I want to really face. </div>
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Why do I have such issues with goodbyes?</div>
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Am I holding onto this mental illness? (for the billionth time asking)</div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":false}" href="http://nile-can-too.deviantart.com/art/Lost-in-its-wake-333344760">Lost in its wake</a><span class="by"> by</span> <span class="username-with-symbol u"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":false}" href="http://nile-can-too.deviantart.com/">Madeline Masarik</a></span></span></h3>
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My therapist asked if I always needed something to be wrong when I mentioned I wrote that I hated myself. I got really upset. First time I cried in a session for a while and I felt so judged by her. I felt like because she's helping out UofT with their 200 wait list that my issues aren't important. That she's tired of my "insignificant" anxieties. She's pushed me away too. </div>
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But what I want is to develop an action plan... I understand. I have come so far from where I was last year. But I wasn't where I needed to be to begin with before I got bad. I've gotten back to a 'normal' level... but I have farther to go. I want to be off meds... not contemplating if I need to raise my dosage.<br />
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I don't want to feel like jumping on a bus and disappearing. Or being scared of the subway because I see an escape. Those can't be healthy thoughts. People think of escaping into books and games or movies. Wanting to just disappear or to not wake up for a long time don't feel minor to me. Yet when I tried talking about them I felt belittled. Stupid. As if I was wasting both our times. </div>
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She said wanting to escape during a stressful time is natural... but aren't there healthier escapes? My friend described it as being afraid of the razor in the shower. You wouldn't do anything but you still see it. </div>
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I'm reluctant to go back. I'm kind of hurt by the experience. I feel like some big trust has been broken. She's supposed to validate my feelings... not belittle them. I'd only ever wrote that stuff down. I've never told anyone.</div>
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I still bully myself. Doesn't that validate my statement of dislike towards myself? No i don't self-harm but I sabotage myself all the time and I use it to constantly berate and insult myself. I felt so judged just because I don't do anything extreme. I feel stupid for even bringing it up. She asked for examples...I could write a list about things I don't like but then again that wont really help it now will it? But I'm feeling really judged so anything I say will feel stupid anyways.<br />
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Acceptance. Need to learn more about acceptance about myself and things I don't like to admit about myself. There must be some steps out there that tell how to do this. "9 Steps to accepting you're a horrible person" "You're not as virtuous as you once thought" "You're a privileged white middle class female get over it."</div>
Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-67657232865466389152014-03-04T19:45:00.000-08:002014-03-04T19:46:07.784-08:00Anxiety... you are not my friend Part 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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So I ended my last blog short because I had a panic attack. Crying plus typing doesn't really work. What was helpful was that my last blog made me realized I needed to find a new action plan to concur my anxiety... what gave me the panic, however, was asking for help.<br />
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There's still such shame surrounding mental illness. There's just so much fear in asking for help. Fear of judgement, fear of blame, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being belittled, fear of frustration from others, fear of being rejected. My biggest fear about asking for help - the unknown consequences that could arise. Giving my teachers a reason to doubt me, to use this "weakness" against me. That they will take this as something that is hindering me, something that I should be getting better at but am not. Something I should be able to handle by myself but can't. All the things that anyone who is "normal" and doesn't suffer from anxiety and depression can handle but stops me in my tracks. It's the fear that asking for help would be the biggest mistake because instead of helping, it's the catalyst for getting my kicked out.<br />
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I've had it happen before, where I ask for feed back to check in and make sure that what I'm thinking is what they're thinking. You know, confirm that my reality is theirs as well since I can't always trust mine when I'm at war with my mind. I did this once and suddenly in our end of term interviews I'm asking for too much feedback.Which is a bad thing and makes me seem needy and annoying.<br />
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Oh and then there's the feeling guilty because you feel like a burden because your success isn't as important. You're not important and just bother other people who are busy important people.<br />
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So in summary - fear, shame, and low self-worth. Fantastic mix.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":false}" href="http://emily-white.deviantart.com/art/New-places-we-ve-never-seen-before-307564697">New places we've never seen before</a><small><span class="by"> by</span> <span class="username-with-symbol u"><a class="u regular username" data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_author","nofollow":false}" href="http://emily-white.deviantart.com/">Emily-White</a></span></small></span></h3>
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Thankfully there are others in my program who have similar challenges and can give advice on how to approach teachers. This is where things turn positive but that's for an update when I'm not so tired.Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-53490143029577644712014-03-04T17:48:00.000-08:002014-03-04T18:34:11.480-08:00Anxiety you are not my friend.<div style="text-align: center;">
I have a performance coming up and because of my horrible experience last semester I can feel my anxiety on it coming at me full swing. Last semester when dealing with Shakespeare I had a self-fulfilling prophecy of my inevitable failure. This fear was then projected onto Shakespeare in general... and working technically with most of my coaches. </div>
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I'm constantly at a war with myself. Some days I have a clear victory. Others I get a little bruised. Now that I'm a couple days away from performance I'm still winning but not without major injury. It's like I'm having an allergic reaction. My head hurts and worst of all I feel as if my tongue is swollen. </div>
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<i>Tongue... you're also not being my friend.</i></div>
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Because of my anxiety I jut my tongue forward and suck on the roof of my mouth. It's a comforting habit but one that creates a large amount of tension in my tongue and therefore jeopardizes my ability to have clear speech. Speech, the one thing I worry the most about in concerns of technique and passing my program. Last year I was so good! I had such a strong mark and it felt amazing to be heard for the first time in what seemed like years. Now because of my anxiety and depression I feel back 5 steps and am almost as bad as I was when I entered the program. It makes me so upset because it feels so out of my control. BUT what gets me the most is that I can just turn it back on 'like that' and my teachers know it but in the moments when it matters the most ... it doesn't</div>
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It just feels so out of my control and I'm scared that this will always happen. That this will always get in my way. That this will be the defining thing that prevents me from succeeding. Something I should be able to control and can do really well but am blocked. </div>
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I don't know why. I am really lost. I am really terrified. </div>
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I'm terrified that my mental illness will get the better of me. That it will win. That it is winning....</div>
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I made it to school today even though I wanted to stay in bed. I managed to get there even though I wanted to make myself a nest in my sheets and hide there until this feeling had past. I even managed to play a little bit during my rehearsal despite feeling like the world was going to cave in. These are victories. Yes I know...</div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a data-ga_click_event="{"category":"Deviation","action":"description_title","nofollow":false}" href="http://nile-can-too.deviantart.com/art/Listen-to-my-story-328168450">Listen to my story</a> by Nile-can too</span></h3>
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<i>but I still feel lost and need a better action plan. </i></div>
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Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1118615191594087148.post-46860314868206308872014-02-11T18:53:00.000-08:002014-02-11T18:53:37.556-08:00Getting Closer Over a month into the second half of my program and things are going well, really well. I feel like the fog has cleared. It's amazing what life is like when your perception isn't so narrowed and clouded with the smog of depression.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://th09.deviantart.net/fs34/PRE/f/2008/289/9/7/Life_in_the_Subworld_by_iumazark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="http://th09.deviantart.net/fs34/PRE/f/2008/289/9/7/Life_in_the_Subworld_by_iumazark.jpg" border="0" class="decoded overflowing" src="http://th09.deviantart.net/fs34/PRE/f/2008/289/9/7/Life_in_the_Subworld_by_iumazark.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
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<a href="http://iumazark.deviantart.com/art/Life-in-the-Subworld-59546333">Life in the Subworld</a><small><span class="by"> by</span> <span class="username-with-symbol u"><a class="u premium username" href="http://iumazark.deviantart.com/">iumazark</a><span class="user-symbol premium" data-gruser-type="premium" data-quicktip-text="Premium Member" data-show-tooltip="1"></span></span></small></h1>
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I've switched my medication because of the extra anxiety. So now I'm on Celexa and the overall experience
has been positive. My general anxiety has dropped. It's so freeing! It's strange when I realize I'm not getting freaked out over situations that would make me so nervous. To
not sit in a place where i'm always holding my breath and creating
tension is wonderful.<br />
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I'm not %100 percent and I still have bad days (like today). It's still amazing how much my confidence got
shattered from last semester. My anxiety will sneak up and catch my and all I want to do is run and hide from the world but I'm starting to handle this better. To not let it consume me like it use to. Thankfully the class after the one where I got really frazzled was exactly what I needed. It was a movement based class where I got to just move and express myself anyway I needed to and get lost in my imagination.<br />
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I keep forgetting how important my imagination is. It's a comfort; my blanket; my armor against the world; the thing that keeps me feeling alive.<br />
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So I've found new approaches to dealing with my anxiety in the work.<br />
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1. Listen to music, especially ones that get you hyped/feeling on top of the world<br />
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2. Dancing, this has always helped me expel the nervous energy that hums through my skin.<br />
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3. My imagination. nothing better than getting lost in my own fantasy.<br />
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4. and probably most essential. SLEEP.<br />
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Anxiety and depression come out when I get busy or when the weather turns gray but more often than not a lack of sleep leaves me feeling depressed. So I sleep and if I can't sleep then I'll nom on some food, grab some time to myself or music and more music. Music really is a great therapy. </div>
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On a completely different note but an interesting experience I had with narrowed perceptions..... A few weeks ago I had extremely painful cramps. I'm talking hot flashes, clammy, sweating all over, can't move, can't sleep it off, wanting to pass out and puke at the same time it was so painful. The thing that was the most interesting about that whole experience was how strong the tunnel vision was. A lot of things I would have cared about flew out the window. Things like I don't care if my roommates see my tits because I'm half naked thrashing about on my bed, I don't care if it's -15 outside and I should wear a hat, I don't care what sort of noises come out of my mouth just get me to a freaking hospital so I don't die.<br />
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Thoughts that went through my male roommates heads: appendicitis? She sounds like someone is repeadedly stabbing her (it sure felt like it!)<br />
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Thought's that went through my head: miscarriage? gallbladder? Oh please tell me an egg didn't implant it's self on the wall of one of my fallopian tubes and now I might die because of it!<br />
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Good news, none of that! Just extremely painful cramps called dysmenorrhea.<br />
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The joys of woman hood.<br />
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<br />Jferrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05051162564910382230noreply@blogger.com0